The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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