i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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