I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
