woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize