I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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