I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
