shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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