Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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