i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
