They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
