I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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