you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
