i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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