you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
