Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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