My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
