I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I AM VODKA MAN
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize