I puked a lego.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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