I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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