my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
