its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
