How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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