She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
