I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
