im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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