I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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