While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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