Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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