Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
