i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
