i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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