i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
