Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Boobs speak an international language.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
