dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
