John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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