remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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