Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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