so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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