Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
