if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
