And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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