Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we're making bets on your personal life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
