So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
