1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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