I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
