You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
