The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize