My nipple is on Facebook.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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