farters have to be the big spoon...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
