Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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