Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
