She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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