ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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