The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
