The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
